Merlyn's   Story

My name is Merlyn and I’m the wife of the most loving man I’ve ever met and mother of two precious girls, both of whom had quite a story of how they entered the world. We had Gemma 3 months ago, she came on the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe.. and when we left the hospital, just about every cell in my body was singing that Jesus is truly alive. 

Dennis and I were married in June 2021 and that day felt like heaven came down to earth. Little did we know that just a month later we would conceive our first child. The incredible joy we felt was soon overshadowed by the challenges of life growing within my body. I struggled with hyperemesis as I tried to manage the responsibilities of growing an outpatient practice, doing hospital admissions, and running a house calls program while COVID was still rampant. I felt like I was drowning, so physically unwell I couldn’t muster up a prayer. At that moment I had this vision that I was on this storm tossed boat. Rain pounding down on me, full awareness that I don’t know how to swim, but internally completely at peace as I was clinging for dear life to a wooden crate. I could hear the terror of the storm and the people screaming and shouting in fear. In the midst of the chaos, I saw Jesus emerge from below the deck and He looked at me with a knowing smile, like I knew what He was getting ready to do. He was going to calm the storm. By the guidance of a wonderful priest known for healing and deliverance, Fr. Dominic, my husband and I were given Scripture to meditate on daily and we were told to pray the Joyful mysteries every day. Only much later did I understand why we were told to do this. 

We were thrilled for the anatomy scan, the ultrasound everyone looks forward to to learn the gender of their baby.. I still remember praying, Lord let this baby have ten fingers and ten toes. Such a silly prayer, but it really reflected the anxiety in my heart because deep down I knew too much of what all could go wrong. The waiting in pregnancy held so much uncertainty, and my trust in the Lord was being put to the test. I didn’t look at the screen because I didn’t want to pick up the gender before Dennis. But I did notice the change in the body language of our ultrasound tech as she saw there was a problem. Every moment that I had ever delivered bad news to a patient ran through my mind. I cried seeing it unfold before me that it was my turn to receive it. The MFM Doctor came in to deliver the news, the baby had a mass in the chest that could be all kinds of things as well as a few other findings that indicated life would be hard or complicated. She offered to schedule us for an abortion. That moment was such a knife in my heart, and took me off guard because we were getting care at a Catholic hospital and it also happened to be where I was working at the time. Dennis and I named our baby girl Gianna after my favorite Saint, and so began our journey to go deeper into Christ’s heart. We were devastated thinking that our daughter, the gift of our love from heaven above, would not have an easy path in entering the world and because her scan was not normal, the world viewed her life to have less value to the point where a death sentence was considered to be a treatment option. That night I remember being on the floor of our bedroom weeping on the phone to my mom and the words of Jeremiah 1:5 echoed in my heart. Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. It took me aback because though I had considered myself a good Catholic, I didn’t know Scripture like the back of my hand like I wish I did. Those words gave me hope. 

The grief in our hearts was hard to describe. We ended up being referred to the children’s hospital where they had a special unit for mothers with babies that had these kinds of findings. Before our big appointment, a close friend told us about a healing service with Encounter ministries to attend. This was our first personal experience with the Catholic Charismatic movement and I remember during the praise and worship, we could very much feel the presence of the Holy Spirit in the room. When Fr. Rafal placed his hand on my belly and prayed, I could practically see flames in his eyes, he was so on fire. He said to us, “Satan is after the life of your child because she is destined to go to the ends of the earth for Christ.” When we left, I was certain Gianna was healed. A few days later we had our big appointment at the children’s hospital and though there was an undercurrent of worry in my heart, I was very hopeful that the team was going to tell us we had a miraculous healing and we were good to go home. Instead they told us Gianna had a congenital diaphragmatic hernia which was causing her bowel to move up to her chest, pushing her heart to the wrong side and preventing her lung from growing. I remember how they told us not to buy any clothes for the baby because we wouldn’t know how old she would be when she could go home. They painted the picture for us of what to expect— the baby would be born and put on a ventilator immediately, I would not get to hold her. They would take her to the NICU to place lines and do an X-ray and I could be wheelchaired over to the unit to take pictures. We don’t know when she will be able to have surgery, we will need to make sure her respiratory status is stable—could be days, weeks, or months. And then comes the long road of recovery after the surgery. The ventilator settings and baby are so fragile that we will need to do surgery at the bedside. There is a chance she will need ECMO. In the event that you crash during the delivery, we won’t be able to take care of you since we’re a children’s hospital, but we have a tunnel that connects to a neighboring hospital where you will be managed in their ICU. We can anticipate the baby will be in the hospital for at least 6 months. Because her heart and lungs are impacted, she may be going home on oxygen and medications for her heart. It is also likely that she will be going home on tube feeds and will need rehabilitation services at home as well. 

From that day on, I asked that they note on my chart not to discuss any medical updates with me unless it’s to tell me the plan has changed because we had a healing. I know it seemed odd to the medical team but because of my background, I was able to interpret and prognosticate the information to the point that I could visualize every possible treatment and complication. I had seen things go well and I had seen things go south and I was very much aware that it was not actually the wisdom of doctors that saved lives but the Grace of God Who was in control of all things with a purpose. The most emotionally tolling experiences in my training was my time in the NICU and my time assisting in Pediatric Surgery. I loved the babies but seeing the youngest ones so sick was hard for me, and if they didn’t survive my heart couldn’t handle it. It was my weak spot. My prayer became, Lord help me unlearn what I know. I needed my heart to be guarded from my mind so I would not lose hope. Every appointment, I went looking forward to see Gianna’s precious face in 3D and also hopeful for a miracle. I thought to myself, the Lord’s not going to let me go through this.

Advances in modern medicine has made society and many people in the medical field desensitized to the truth that everything is a miracle and completely in the hands of God. We take it for granted when we walk into a hospital for something and we’re able to walk out. At one of my appointments, someone on the medical team needed me to complete an advanced directive to know my wishes in the event my life was in danger and I couldn’t speak for myself. Something I had gone over with my own patients countless times and now here I was being confronted with my own mortality. As the weeks passed by with no change, my heart was plunged into grief. One day I went to the adoration chapel my husband and I were going to frequently and decided to leave a prayer request with Gianna’s 3D ultrasound picture. Although there was a sign not to do it, with a desperate cry in my heart to the Lord to heal her, I placed her picture right next to the monstrance and left. Never once did I ask the Lord why this was happening to me, because my whole life the Lord showed me His goodness, saving me from so many kinds of peril. This ache in my heart was coming from the waiting and a helplessness that there was nothing I could physically do to spare my baby this suffering. A man named Paul saw me leave the adoration chapel and came after me, saying God has a message for you, Mark 11:22-26 which reads — 

Jesus answered them, “Have faith in God. Truly I tell you, if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and if you do not doubt in your heart, but believe that what you say will come to pass, it will be done for you. So I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

“Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone; so that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.”

As the day of our induction came, I had spiritually prepared myself to meet the Lord and completely surrendered my life, every suffering, and all that would happen to God for the salvation of souls. That was the bigger picture to our existence, and this pain was meant to have purpose. I felt the Lord telling me repeatedly the words — quiet suffering. We labored for 40 hours and ended up needing an urgent c section. I’ll never forget the tears my husband shed when he called Fr. Vinod to rush to the hospital, I’ll never forget being rolled on to the freezing OR table with my arms being stretched out as if on a cross, and I’ll never forget the feeling of the cutting and pulling as the epidural I had ran out at the start of the surgery. The image of Divine Mercy Jesus was in my mind. There were many moments where I was tempted to direct my own care as I ran into people with confidence but no actual awareness of what they were doing, but I felt the Lord quiet me and I decided not to argue but accept whatever would happen. By God’s grace, Gianna was baptized an hour after she was born. Everyone who saw her said she looked so healthy, you wouldn’t believe she had this diagnosis. Five days later, I watched the nurses prep her for her surgery, her little arms stretched out as though on a cross. I got to hold her for the first time on Mother’s Day while she was still on the vent. Throughout the hospital and NICU stay, Dennis and I faced all kinds of persecution. It was a lot harder to restrain myself when it came to Gianna’s care and I desperately did not want to take on role of physician when I was blessed to be her mother. I still felt the Lord asking me to accept the cross silently. Though I would fight to no end for the patients I had cared for, with my own child I felt powerless. Then I heard the words in my heart - The Lord will fight for you, you only need to be still (Exodus 14:14). We prayed Rosary after Rosary, Divine Mercy after Divine Mercy, we kept reciting the Scripture verses we were given and had Jesus in virtual adoration with us as much as possible. If I was in too much pain to pray, I would just say the name of Jesus over and over and I would discover there was truly power in the name of Jesus, with Him there was nothing we couldn’t face. Almost every day the Lord sent someone to give us the Eucharist and when we struggled the most, a priest who could hear our confession. I still remember the words of the priest when I went for confession. He said, “Don’t tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big your God is.” Somewhere in the midst of this intense spiritual battle and physical battle of living in a hospital and recovering from a c-section, Dennis found ways to make me laugh in between the crying. As discharge from the hospital seemed to be in sight, Gianna unexpectedly took a turn for the worse as she began to projectile vomit bile. The medical team dismissed our concerns as her imaging was normal and her labs and vitals miraculously stayed stable, though she appeared ill. We were watching our baby dying and no one was listening, not even to our nurse who tried so hard to advocate for us. So many friends and colleagues throughout our hospitalization offered to reach out to different people as if their influence could change anything. But the naked truth was that no degree, position or institution could heal our daughter. By the second night of this trial, while Dennis and I were on our knees praying the Divine Mercy, the surgeon on call walked in. Jesus put it in his heart to actually examine Gianna and he saw what I saw and urgently acted. That morning she was in the OR and her bowel that was constricted by bizarre rapidly formed scar tissue was saved. And through not one miracle but a series of one after another watching the impossible unfold before us over and over again, the Lord kept turning my tears of sadness into tears of joy. By the grace of God, and to the shock of the medical team, we came home with Gianna when she was 6 weeks old with no oxygen, no medications, no tube feeds, and no additional therapies contrary to what they had predicted. Since her initial surgery that happened when she was 5 days old, she needed two emergent surgeries but even in those moments, the Lord showed us in unbelievable ways how He was at work. In the words of St. John’s Gospel— But there are also many other things that Jesus did; if every one of them were written down, I suppose that the world itself could not contain the books that would be written.

After having experienced all this, many people presumed we wouldn’t want more children, but our hearts were always open. In God’s time we found out we were expecting again. Though there was some fear in the back of my mind, I was trusting the Lord things were going to be different this time. We went for our first ultrasound at 6 weeks to confirm the pregnancy and it was discovered that along with baby growing, I had a 5cm mass growing in my uterus as well, increasing the risk of losing the baby and complications in delivery. I was heartbroken that things just never seemed to get easier for us. Instead of slipping into despair, I decided to offer my sufferings for the salvation of souls. Once again, the first trimester was difficult with extreme fatigue and vomiting, but this time with the responsibility of caring for my now toddler miracle baby. I tried my best to not complain and asked my guardian angel for help. Offering the struggles, committing to praying our four rosaries, receiving Jesus in daily mass, and my husbands unwavering courage gave me strength when I was feeling weak. Dennis and I started a nine month novena to Our Lady of Guadalupe and she began to show us signs. I received a rosary in the mail with her image and my husband was gifted one the following month. We kept finding her image in the adoration chapels we would go to and in prayer cards in church pews. It was as though she was encouraging me to not give up on praying our four Rosaries and reminding me of her presence. In the midst of this, our spiritual director, Fr. Gracious, invited us to step out of our world and come visit him. At the time he was hosting Fr. Dominic for a retreat in his parish and it happened to be a few days before the baby’s anatomy scan. I wasn’t seeking healing for myself, but I was praying for this little one to not have to go through what Gianna did. Traveling felt so daunting but the Lord kept assuring me we would be okay. We faced many blocks in our travels, it ended up being the day of the global IT outage and we were stranded in a city 8 hours away from our destination. But once again with every obstacle that arose, the Lord paved a path for us as we prayed for His assistance. He provided for our every need— hotel, rental car, food— everything had Heaven’s fingerprint. It was an incredible weekend, and we were able to receive prayer from Fr. Dominic and our loving spiritual director. I remember Fr. Dominic said to me, “Do not be afraid, Jesus sees your tears.” When we reached home, it was time for our 20 week anatomy scan, a milestone I could never forget. We found ourselves in the exact same room that we were in for Gianna’s anatomy scan, but the experience genuinely felt like I was living out the Lord rewriting the most painful moment of my life. We were having a baby girl, she had ten fingers and ten toes and every organ was where it was supposed to be. We named her Gemma, after another favorite saint. And this 5 cm mass, which would have been expected to grow even bigger by now, had miraculously disappeared. There I was flooded with tears of joy, grateful for a healthy baby and amazed to have been healed by the Lord when I was ready to suffer for Him. 

With renewed hope, I was certain things were not going to be as it was before. I was praying Lord if it’s Your Will, please let this be a normal vaginal birth but if You wish for me to go through the crucifixion again, for You I will. The c-section for Gianna felt like my own Calvary, my own crucifixion. Not only did the anesthesia wear off at the start of the surgery, but also I was wheelchair bound for two weeks after with swelling. Caring for two little ones who needed me while recovering from major surgery was not the only thing that daunted me. I very much wanted to be able to have more children if the Lord Willed it and the likelihood would be low if I had another c-section. Then one day, I stumbled across a video of Sheena and Seban’s  testimony - 7 children, all c-sections and with complications along the way, but everyone alive and healthy to witness how God once again did what the rest of the world saw as impossible. 

Though the medical team didn’t have a clear idea of what went wrong in my delivery with Gianna, all but one Ob in the group advised me against a trial of labor. One of the doctors had a conversation with me, and his sincerity and honesty was what got through to me as he shared that my life and baby’s life can be in danger. We took it to prayer and came to a compromise of scheduling a c-section in the event that I didn’t go into labor naturally. We chose the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, just two days short of her due date. I thought if I have to have a c-section, I will be at peace knowing without a doubt she will be holding my hand no matter what trial came my way. 

On the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, I went into labor and I was filled with joy, a normal vaginal delivery seemed to be in sight. But as the days passed, the contractions started spacing apart. The day before the scheduled c-section, I was filled with so much fear. I knew what I was going to undergo and anticipation of the suffering filled me with a deep sorrow. I kept praying not my will but Yours be done. I went to confession that night over the despair I was feeling, I was disappointed in myself that after everything the Lord had done in my life, I didn’t have the grace to embrace the cross joyfully and go to martyrdom with a smile like the saints did. Jesus gave me strength in the confessional. Around 2 AM, I woke up feeling that intense sorrow came upon me again. My husband prayed over me and when he recited Isaiah 41:10, I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen and began to bleed. What was supposed to be a scheduled c-section became an urgent one as my placenta had begun to detach. By God’s grace my vitals and baby’s vitals stayed stable through it all even though the bleeding is known to be fatal. I had asked if we could receive Communion and just before they took us to the OR, a Sister came in time to give me and my husband Jesus in the Eucharist. From that moment, I was filled with a supernatural peace. Even though I didn’t know what the next moment held, if I would live through this to see my loved ones, I was sustained in a state of sweet surrender. There was not a trace of fear in my heart, but an uncontainable joy that saw goodness in every single person that was around me. God was in complete control and my heart was rejoicing in that truth. Dennis had live adoration with Gregorian chant playing on his phone, but he had to keep his phone in his pocket in the OR. When they started the surgery, the Gregorian chant suddenly out of nowhere filled the entire OR as if it were on a loudspeaker, but the volume on his phone was untouched. I heard Gemma’s cry and began weeping with gratitude. Even when the pain later set in, even as I hemorrhaged, nothing could stop me from smiling. How grateful I was to just be able to hold her.

If there’s one thing I feel the Lord is continuing to teach me as I ask Him to help me unlearn — it’s that for good or for bad, our words have power. That moment we were told bad news in Gianna’s ultrasound, those words ruminated in my mind. We went through the pregnancy not sharing what was going on with family or friends because just the act of recounting the doctor’s words would have chisled away at the little hope I had. But dear Fr. Dominic, who had given us specific scripture to meditate on, it was to invite the Lord to perform surgery on our hearts with the Word of God. And by telling us to put the Word of God in our mouth, the words we were now ruminating on was restoring our faith instead of trying to break it. He knew something we didn’t know— that In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God — the Word of God is a person, the Word of God is alive, and very literally the Word of God is sharper than a two edged sword meant for the battles we face in living life in a fallen world. Though I knew of the incredible Eucharistic miracles that have occurred in history, though I knew the host we gaze upon has been scientifically shown to be cardiac tissue beating in a terminal rhythm that we all experience when we die, though I had witnessed miracles in my own patients, the enemy had somewhere along the way planted a seed of doubt that it wouldn’t happen for me. Becoming a parent had me experience torrents of love in a new way, and I realized it was not even a fraction of God’s love for us. And in embracing the cross, uniting our heartache with the sufferings of Christ knowing He is physically present in this world to face it all with us, knowing the story never ends at the crucifixion, every person who has ever received bad news has been invited to experience the purest form of love. The arrival of Gianna and Gemma was not the end of our trials, but the beginning of living life with new eyes and a new heart. I could say so much more but I’m going to close with a verse that helped me begin the process of unlearning — Luke 1:37 “For nothing will be impossible with God.”