Marian's Story

MOTHERHOOD- MY TESTIMONY TO GOD'S GRACE

By Marian Vineeth

This is the personal account of my journey to motherhood; a story of trial, endurance, faith and restoration.

I am one of those people who you would describe as a ‘mother hen’, someone who had always had strong maternal instincts.  It was my heart’s deepest desire to be a wife and mother.  God blessed me and I got married to my wonderful husband in 2009.

When we set upon trying to start a family, we realized it was not going to be as easy. We had an early miscarriage in 2011 which was upsetting but we tried to move on and look forward. Months turned into years and we were still not pregnant. It was very difficult to be among pregnant people and deal with the disappointment month after month. It had taken over our lives. We would go on to put our lives on hold for years.

Finally, in October 2013, we were very excited to have gotten pregnant. Everything was going fine and all of a sudden at 18 weeks on Dec 26th, without any warning, I went into pre-term labour. My water broke and I was rushed to the hospital only to find out that our baby had no heartbeat anymore. It was a boy. We named him Philip.

The shock, trauma, piercing pain of our loss was beyond bearable. It was very difficult to face people and every now and then we had to answer to people who didn’t know asking if the baby was born and other details. I was engulfed by grief and didn’t know how to cope. It was also very isolating because people weren’t sure how to approach me. I really could not fit back into the world as I had known it. Little children and pregnant women reminded me of what I had lost and I was filled with anxiety at the sight of them.

I could not understand why God would permit such a thing when we always sought his protection. After two more gruelling years of trying to have a baby we were thrilled to be pregnant again but went through a very difficult pregnancy with a lot of complications. I had to endure a lot of pain, discomfort, and multiple visits to the ER. For three months I was put on bed rest, unable to walk or do anything. We were being monitored closely with ultrasounds and injections every week.

At around the 20-week mark, they noticed some funnelling and I was admitted to the hospital for immediate surgery to put a stitch in. What should have been a straightforward surgery ended up being a  disaster labour progressed much faster than expected. After 10 hours of labour, Teresa was born. She lived for 20 minutes and we were able to hold her and have her baptised. As I watched my baby die in my arms, a part of me died.

One of the most difficult things I have had to do in life was to be wheeled out the delivery room empty handed amidst the cries of new-borns and joyous laughter in the adjoining rooms. I could not bear it that I was having to live through the same nightmare once again. Another precious child lost.

The doctor at Stanford Hospital advised me to contact a surrogate.

I didn’t want to get out of bed.  My faith was really shaken; I began to doubt the existence of God for how could a loving God permit this yet again.  I made a resolution that I am not going to pursue God anymore and if he exists, he would need to reach out to me and mend my wounds. I was exhausted spiritually, physically and mentally.

And reach out He did. God reached out to me in a very special way after this. He talked to me through a spiritual brother and pointed me in the direction that I needed to look at and encouraged me through some insights. I also got a message during Eucharist adoration that I would have a baby in 14 months.

Meanwhile, I was able to find a super specialist surgeon in Chicago and I got an abdominal cerclage placed. God led us to all the right doctors.

I attended a five day silent retreat where I experienced a lot of inner healing and deliverance. After years of feeling like God’s face was turned away from me, I began to hear His voice and feel His healing love. Here also God revealed to me through the priest at the retreat centre that I will have a child in a year’s time.

True to the prophecy, the next month I got pregnant, had a safe pregnancy with no complications and delivered a beautiful healthy baby boy in October 2016. We named him ‘Joshua’ which means ‘Jehovah Saves/ Jehovah Provides’.  Truly, Jehovah provides.  Everything was so beautifully taken care of by God – our surgeon returned from vacation just the night before and we got the best set of doctors. Even though Joshua was born premature at 34 weeks, he came out crying and had a great birth weight. He is a joy to everyone around him, really grace filled and mature thanks to the numerous prayers he has received.

We always wanted a couple of kids but thought it would be a very difficult task given our history of infertility. But God, is such a loving father who sees even the smallest desires of our heart. As the gospel of Luke (1:37) says, nothing is impossible for God. To our surprise, we were expecting another little miracle in the November of 2018. From the beginning God placed a strong conviction in my mind that everything will be ok and that it will be a baby girl. The estimated date of delivery was June 27th, which is the same date that we lost our baby girl Teresa.

I was prompted to open the last chapter of Job and the message that I got was that God was restoring to us what we had lost, after a period of trial and sanctification.

This pregnancy was not easy, I had to be admitted in the hospital for 6 weeks because of pre-term labour contractions at 24 weeks, in spite of being on modified bed rest. There was a high risk of me giving birth early, which meant a high possibility of having a very premature and potentially sick baby. The doctors and everyone around us were very concerned. I am usually a very anxious person but by God’s grace I was calm and not worried. The divine assurance of the Lord that was pouring into me infused in me a belief that the baby would only be born at a safe time.  I could feel that an angel of the Lord was watching over me. A friend of mine also saw a vision of an angel of the Lord by my bedside. Also, every small desire and need was met so beautifully by God. I offered any pain and discomfort I had for the salvation of souls.

“The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory through Christ will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you after you have suffered a little.” – 1 Peter 5:10

As per the message of God to us, we made it to our planned C-section date of 35 weeks. On June 27th 2019, we brought our baby girl Joanna home. On this very day, four years ago, we had lost our first baby girl, Teresa. Baby Joanna was supposed to be discharged on the 26th but some problems came up and were resolved on the 27th and we were discharged from the hospital on that very day. I believe this was a beautiful sign of how God restored what we had lost and it was in line with the assurance that I had been getting from God throughout my pregnancy.

God can turn our mess into a message,

Our tests into a testimony,

Our trials into a triumph.

Two babies lost to prematurity, one abdominal surgery, 250 shots, 300 ultrasounds, 480 appointments, 49 weeks of bed rest, six weeks of hospitalization, two general anaesthesia, three spinal anaesthesia, two c-sections. The will of God will not lead us to where the grace of God cannot sustain us. God definitely had a plan and purpose that we didn’t realize till much later.

When I look back, I am grateful for all these experiences because they brought us closer to the Lord, brought to light our mission, taught us many life lessons, ingrained in us a deep appreciation for the gift of children and the children we have are blessed because of the many prayers they received. Also, two ministries were born (a ministry to support those in hard times in my local church and a support ministry for those battling infertility). 

God’s love is beyond what we can fathom and we learned to simply lean on Him and trust in His plan and not lose hope.